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Every single night

Every single night after i’ve put Kory to bed, I watch him as he sleeps and I forget how much of a pain in the ass he’s been that day, I forget that just minutes before he finally gave in and fell asleep, he’d been fighting his sleep for over an hour.

Every single night I look down at how innocent he looks when he’s sleeping and I am filled with guilt.

Good old mum guilt.

I punish myself for the mistakes I made that day. For losing my patience with him when he just didn’t listen, for getting angry when I needed to tidy the house and he wouldn’t let me, I punish myself when I think I didn’t spend enough time with him, organising activities and learning him new things, for us spending too much time in front of the tv and not enough time playing, for sticking a mini pizza in the oven for tea instead of making him something healthy and homemade.

I punish myself every. single. night.

The thing is, they don’t give you lessons on how to be a good parent, all I can do is try my best at this parenting thing, every day I’m winging it and hoping that my best will be good enough. I don’t mean to snap and lose my patience, I’m just tired. I’m trying to hold it all together but some days I feel like I could scream! I’m a mum who loves her son so much that it hurts to admit that sometimes it’s hard.

I’m just a mum who goes to bed every single night promising that I will do a better job tomorrow.

10 thoughts on “Every single night”

  1. I think all the best mum’s question themselves and judge themselves at the end of each day, but know that you are doing the best, at that given time in that situation. Hindsight is a fabulous thing but not realistic. Will they remember you shouting as they weren’t listening, not likely. Mine didn’t. And they are now having their own children. What they do remember is that I was there for them x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Anytime, you are doing an incredible job, and to question yourself means to me you take it seriously, and thoughtfully. My children are 27,25,22,19 now and my best friends, but my god they drove me to madness at times. Now I see their toddlers doing them same to them, and they question themselves too x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I suppose it’s quite normal how I’ve been feeling then! Thanks for making me realise that and for just making me feel better, it means a lot x

        Liked by 1 person

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