I entered the new year feeling very optimistic, I was thinking positively and I had high hopes for the year ahead but the year really hasn’t started off so great for me. Literally nothing has or is going right for me at the moment. Or at least that’s how it feels to me anyway.
For the last few days my anxiety feels like it has come back in full swing, it really has hit me like a ton of bricks and knocked me for six. I have cried at least once every day, the kids must think I’m bat shit crazy. I feel awful. I feel exhausted – physically, mentally and emotionally, I feel inpatient and I feel like i’m ready to snap. I feel like there is a million thoughts going round my head all. the. time and that my head could just explode at any given moment. I have never felt lonelier. I have spoken about this before but I still feel that no-one bothers with me or the kids, no-one asks do we want to go anywhere or even if we’re okay and it sucks! Not only this but the knob on my oven has decided to snap clean off, the headlight on my car has stopped working, the side panel is hanging off the side of the car door and to top everything off I’ve smashed my phone screen as well which is just absolutely fanfuckingtastic.
These may not seem like big issues to most of you because, let’s be honest, well they’re not. There’s people out there with much bigger worries and losses in their lives than a smashed phone and having a broken headlight isn’t exactly the end of the world either but when you feel like I do, which is complete and utter crap, whenever anything like this does happen it just adds to my already never ending list of stresses when I already feel like I’m drowning in a sea of things that I need to sort or worry about.
I realise that I do need to change the way that I think and try not to let things get me so easily worked up. Worrying about things doesn’t change anything and I can accept that things could be a lot worse, it’s just that when you try to remain positive even through all the doubt and everything still goes tits up for you it feels like a slap in the face. I don’t want to be a negative Nancy (even though I am being) and be the one to complain and rant, in fact I feel quite pathetic for doing so but I’m just finding everything so hard at the minute and besides, I am allowed to have a good old moan, right? I guess I just felt like I needed to get all of this off my chest since I feel like I don’t have anyone else to talk to about all of this anyway.
So, if you’ve made it all the way to this point I’d like to thank you for reading the whole of this blog post and for listening to my complaining. I hope your year has got off to a better start than mine has!
I promise the next time you hear from me it will be on happier terms but in the meantime, f%ck dry January… Pass me the wine!