I don’t know if I’m just feeling all sorts of emotions today (thanks PMS) but I’m actually crying while typing this.
I love both of my children with all that I am, I couldn’t love either of them any more if I tried. I am by no means a perfect mum but I always and will always try to be the best that I can be for them. I am their mum and they are my babies. I will always fight for them, protect them, love them hard, care for them and do anything for them. I feel incredibly blessed to have been fortunate enough to have been able to bring two healthy, beautiful children into the world. Blessed with my son (although some days he can drive me nuts!) the one who made me mama and blessed with my daughter (with more sass than she knows what to do with!) who wasn’t my first but will always be my last baby.
I am proud to say that I have good, healthy, close relationships with both of my children. I spend a lot of time with both of them, together and each on their own but there is no denying that things are just different between your first child and your second child. Not differently emotionally because I don’t love either one more than the other but circumstantially different.
When Kory was born, it was just me and him most of the time so of course we spent lots of time together just the two of us doing lots of different things and going to different places. It was easier to do this then with just having the one child as I didn’t have any other ties or children that I was responsible for. Then when Kory was 3 years old, Kora was born and so obviously thats when things did change. We didn’t have as much time any more just the two of us but that didn’t and still doesn’t seem to bother Kory. Occasionally we still have mum and son time and it’s nice when we do but just not as often.
Then when Kora was born, I found it hard to get out of the house with both children on my own for the first few weeks and then, in my defence, we did go into a national lockdown because of a global pandemic (that over a year on we’re still not fully out of might I add!) a few months after she was born which of course didn’t help my situation at the time but I still feel like I haven’t done as much with her as I once did with Kory and I feel guilty for that. It’s not that I don’t have as much one on one time with her because every day when Kory is at school, it is just me and Kora together but we’re usually just at home. We do lots of things together at home but we don’t really go anywhere and that’s my fault.
Being a mum of two, I find it really hard splitting myself in two. I feel guilty if I take Kora to the park while Kory is at school because I know how much he’d love to go to the park too, the same way I feel guilty if I buy Kory a new toy for achieving something at school and then not buying Kora one which then means I end up buying them both something because I just don’t want to leave either of them out. Of course that time with each of them by themselves just with me is important and we do have that time it’s just that I try to avoid going anywhere without them both as I really do prefer it when we go somewhere and we take both kids otherwise I’m just riddled with guilt the entire time for taking one and not the other. Am I even making sense? I feel like I might have gone crazy. I guess it’s just my way of thinking.
Growing up, I often felt left out and pushed out and I don’t ever want either of my children to feel that way and I think that’s why I worry so much about it. I love them both equally and so much and don’t want either of them to think or feel differently.
Can anyone relate to what I’m saying? Or have I totally lost the plot? I guess I just need someone to tell me that what I’m feeling is normal and that it’s okay.
If anyone has any advice for me, help a mama out.