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Every single night

Every single night after i’ve put Kory to bed, I watch him as he sleeps and I forget how much of a pain in the ass he’s been that day, I forget that just minutes before he finally gave in and fell asleep, he’d been fighting his sleep for over an hour.

Every single night I look down at how innocent he looks when he’s sleeping and I am filled with guilt.

Good old mum guilt.

I punish myself for the mistakes I made that day. For losing my patience with him when he just didn’t listen, for getting angry when I needed to tidy the house and he wouldn’t let me, I punish myself when I think I didn’t spend enough time with him, organising activities and learning him new things, for us spending too much time in front of the tv and not enough time playing, for sticking a mini pizza in the oven for tea instead of making him something healthy and homemade.

I punish myself every. single. night.

The thing is, they don’t give you lessons on how to be a good parent, all I can do is try my best at this parenting thing, every day I’m winging it and hoping that my best will be good enough. I don’t mean to snap and lose my patience, I’m just tired. I’m trying to hold it all together but some days I feel like I could scream! I’m a mum who loves her son so much that it hurts to admit that sometimes it’s hard.

I’m just a mum who goes to bed every single night promising that I will do a better job tomorrow.

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What I am going to do differently this time round

When you have your first child, everything is so new and you don’t know what to expect. Every experience is your first. Your first positive pregnancy test, first scan, first pregnancy announcement, first time giving birth, first everything. It’s amazing and although you wouldn’t change anything about having your child, there may be some things that you would do differently next time.Through my previous experience with Kory, here’s what I am going to do differently this time round with baby number 2:

 

  • I am going to go out more. I’ve always been a bit of a home body and always preferred staying in over going out. That’s just how I am, I’ve always been the same. After having Kory, I felt really overwhelmed and didn’t want to leave the house but I think when you have a child, you have to make yourself go out, it wasn’t healthy for me and Kory to both stay couped up all the time and there’s nothing I enjoy more now than taking him out to different places and on days out, I only wish I had done it sooner. So this time when I feel afraid to leave the house, I’m gonna remind myself that it’s okay and I’m gonna make myself.

 

  • Say NO to visitors. This is a big one for me. Kory was premature and as a result of this, spent the first 2 weeks of his life in the hospital after being born. When the time came to bring him home, I just wanted to be able to enjoy him with my partner as Rory was due to go back to work the next day. I thought people would understand this but obviously not. It was nice that people wanted to come and visit Kory but I would have liked to have been able to enjoy him myself first as I hadn’t really been able to in the hospital. The nurses did the night feeds as I had been discharged from the hospital, the nurses knew how to wind him and how to comfort him, I felt like they knew my child better than I did and this was my chance to get to know him. The whole experience was horrible and I feel like it was ruined for us, I just wanted to cry the entire time whenever someone came round and scream ‘give me back my child!’ I am hoping and praying that this baby won’t be born early so that we can avoid her having to stay in the hospital after being born like Kory did but if my pregnancy experiences have taught me anything, it’s that babies come when they choose to. So this time round I will be saying no to visitors and I will be letting people know when we’re ready for them to visit.

 

  • Speak up and trust my instinct! When it’s your first child, people think it’s acceptable to throw all sorts of advice at you (helpful and unhelpful), criticise what you’re doing and try to overtake. With Kory being my first baby and me doubting myself, I let people tell me what to do, or listened to people tell me about my own child, even if I didn’t agree with what they were saying at the time. This time round when I disagree with a nurses opinion, I will be sure to speak up, the next time someone offers me advice, I will take what’s helpful to me and ignore the rest, the next time someone tries to overtake, they will be put back in their place, help will be accepted when and if it’s wanted.

 

  • Pick a better pram. I rushed into making the decision of which pram to get for Kory, I chose my pram simply because I liked the look of it. Kory was only in it for 6 months, he’d outgrown it and preferred to be sat up in a buggy. This time i’ve made sure to look into more detail and compare prams and I am happy with the pram we have chosen.

 

So those are the things that I have decided I will be doing differently this time round. Is there anything you wish you had done differently, did do differently or would do differently next time round?

Let me know in the comments!

 

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Yet another scare

Yesterday morning I went to the hospital with reduced movements from baby K. This baby is normally so active, she is constantly on the move and I am reminded every minute of every day that she’s in there and the constant moving is actually really reassuring to me. So yesterday morning after I’d been awake for about an hour and a half and finished breakfast, I noticed I hadn’t felt her move which was definitely strange to me. She’s usually kicking me in the ribs whilst I’m trying to eat my breakfast.

I decided I was going to try and lie down and put my hands on my stomach for a while as she usually responds to my touch with quite a strong kick but after a while there was still nothing. I started to get a bit worried at this point and that’s when I rang the hospital and told them what had been happening and they asked that I go in to be monitored.

I made my way to the hospital and once I got there I was seen to right away, they hooked me up to a monitor so that they could check baby’s heart beat and count her movements. After a couple of minutes the nurse came to talk to me, she was happy with baby’s heart beat but asked me if I had been experiencing any tightenings to which I replied no. Because as far as I was aware I hadn’t. The nurse informed me that I was in fact having tightenings and that I was having them quite frequently too yet I still couldn’t feel them but they were showing up on the monitor and every time I had one, baby K’s heart rate dropped.

I was in complete shock and bricking it at this point. I was expecting for me to just go to the hospital whilst they monitored me for a while, tell me everything was alright and then send me home but nope. They told me they wanted to send me down to the labour ward as they couldn’t be too careful because of my history of pre term labour and to just be prepared.

I couldn’t believe what was I was being told and I was so overwhelmed at this point that I just began to cry. I am 32 weeks pregnant now so I know that she’d be okay with help from all the hospital staff once she’d been born and being born at 32 weeks is a lot better than being born at 26 weeks which was how many weeks pregnant I was when she gave me my last scare, I know babies come whenever they want but I just want her to stay in for a few more weeks at the very least. Kory was born at 34 weeks and he spent two weeks in the hospital on Nicu after being born and it was tough, if she could just stay in until 35 weeks which is only just over 3 weeks away then I know she wouldn’t have a long hospital stay after being born and that would be less worry for us and a lot easier for Baby K.

Once I was on the labour ward, they ran a few more tests on me and did a few more observations which thankfully all came back clear and everything was well with both me and baby. My cervix wasn’t open, I hadn’t dilated and my body wasn’t responding to the tightenings and after a while, they could see from the monitor that the tightenings were beginning to stop and I noticed that baby K’s movements were back and as they should be.

After a while, they moved me to the maternity ward just so that they could keep their eye on me before sending me home and luckily I was able to come home last night. I was so glad everything was okay with baby but I just felt tried, guilty and upset. I was so tired, I hadn’t eaten anything all day as I couldn’t eat just in case they had to get me prepped for delivery, I was away from Kory and had been since first thing in the morning and just wanted to get home to him and to get a good nights rest.

Now I understand why it is so important to get to know your baby’s usual pattern of movements. If you are pregnant and ever feel unsure or uneasy about anything, just trust your own body like I did. Everyone will tell you to trust your gut instinct and you might think but how will I know? I have thought that too but trust me you will. I am so lucky that I went to the hospital because I didn’t know about the tightenings and I didn’t know that they were affecting Baby K’s heart rate. It was only through noticing a change in her movements that told me something wasn’t right. Now I’m home and she’s okay but had I not gone in to the hospital then who knows what might have happened! It is always better to be on the safe side so don’t ever feel like you’re wasting anybody’s time by ringing the hospital or going in to see them because you’re not and that’s what the hospital and all doctors, nurses and midwives are there for.

Let’s see if Baby K can hang in there for another 3 weeks or so. I don’t want any more scares, I’ve had enough of those from this pregnancy to last me a life time!

I’m gonna have to take it really easy now and just hope for the best.

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Baby K

Baby K, you are so loved already.

We are all so excited to meet you (just not yet!) Especially your big brother. He talks about you ALL the time, he always asks me about you and is forever looking around your nursery. I can’t wait to see you both together and watch how he is going to be with you. I’m not saying that it’s going to be plain sailing right from the start but I already know that he’s going to be the best big brother to you.

I have to be honest, I haven’t paid as much attention to this pregnancy compared to my first and for that, I do feel guilty. It’s not that I love you any less it’s just that I literally don’t have a minute to post any updates on how you and I are both doing or to check my pregnancy apps every day. But I think about you all the time. I imagine what you will look like and what sort of personality you will have. I predict that you will look just like your big brother, you’ll have his blonde hair but will you have his blue eyes or will you have my green? I think you will be a bit more tame in some ways but a diva all the same.

Baby K, you are loved more than you will ever know and you will be here before we know it. I can’t wait for our family of three to grow into a family of four.

You have completed us.

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Real posts

I am in no means a photographer and I don’t try to be. What I post on my Instagram is what you get and the pictures that you see here are real.

I don’t have the time to take marvellous photographs of me and or Kory on an expensive camera, I’ve got to grab whatever shot I can with my iPhone before he’s on the move again and make do with that! But I think that just adds to the realness of my blog. It might not look as professional as some of the other mummy blogs (cudos to you for being able to take flawless photos of your children and/or life) but I think it makes mine authentic and that’s what I’m going for.

Crap quality photos do irrate me on my grid and even on here so I do try to take ones that are as nice as I possibly can with what I have but my shots still don’t compare to that of others, their grids look immaculate and I’m okay with that.

When I started this blog I said I wanted to be honest, honest about parenting, honest about my life and that doesn’t include making my life look like it’s something out of a magazine and sharing just that online. Because for one, my life really isn’t perfect at all and for two, I think people can appreciate realness. In fact I think it’s important that people are real online instead of just sharing the ‘perfect’ moments. I want other parents to know that parenting isn’t always easy and that they’re not the only ones to feel that way. Maybe if more of us were honest about parenting and spoke openly about the struggles that come with it then there would be a whole lot less mum guilt. Not that it’s anyone else’s responsibility how I feel as a mother but I have to admit, I have compared myself to other parents that I see online, parents who seem to have it all together and come away feeling a bit rubbish about myself and I know I shouldn’t, no-one really knows what goes on behind Instagram because some people only choose to share with the world what they want you to see but it’s so easy to look at their seemingly perfect life and compare it to your own. So if your life really is as flawless as it looks online then I’m happy for you! But mine certainly isn’t and I’m not afraid to share and discuss those less insta-worthy moments. Especially if it means I will be helping another mum or dad feel a little better about their own parenting at the same time.

So no my grid isn’t perfect, my blog isn’t perfect, my life isn’t perfect, I’m not even perfect but this little guy is.

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F%ck what other people think

Yesterday was a bit of a rollercoaster. It started off sh!t, then turned out to be pretty good and then went sh!t again.

Kory woke at about 6:30am and wouldn’t go back to sleep so we had an early start to the day which when you’ve got a 2 year old that doesn’t nap no matter how tired they are it’s never fun and so I already knew I was going to be in for a l-o-n-g day ahead. After getting up so early, I was feeling pretty tired myself after numerous bathroom trips throughout the night and could have done without such an early wake up call so felt like I couldn’t be bothered doing anything. All I wanted to do was sit and close my eyes which obviously wasn’t going to happen so I got myself and Kory dressed and then we headed out.

I took Kory to the cafe for some dinner, it was really nice and Kory was really well behaved. So much so that he even got treated to an ice cream afterwards for eating all of his dinner and for sitting so nicely. After that I took him out for a walk on his bike and then to a local play group that was on. It was good fun! I actually thought to myself ‘what a good day this is turning out to be’ but I must have spoken too soon because it’s after this point where it all started to go wrong…

Kory was asking me over and over if he could go to his Nan’s house, I wanted to just take him home because I could tell he was already tired but I ended up giving in and taking him to her house anyway. After he’d been so good, I didn’t want to tell him that he wasn’t allowed to go and see her.

But once we got there Kory just started to misbehave right away. I feel like he acts up more if we’re around other people or when we are somewhere else, I think he thinks I won’t tell him off the same and he’s not wrong. I won’t, well, can’t. At home whenever Kory misbehaves he gets sent to his bedroom until he calms down or until he says sorry because that’s what works for us but that isn’t possible if we’re not at home and I think he’s figured this out.

It’s hard being pregnant and dealing with toddler tantrums but that’s not what upset me most yesterday. What got to me was the comments that were made about Kory and my parenting. I came away feeling really bad about myself and about Kory’s behaviour as if I wasn’t being made to feel sh!t enough already by my 2 year old. When we got home, I bathed Kory and put him straight to bed and then I just cried. In fact I don’t think I even slept last night, I was up all night upset. Even though I know that my child is just like any other 2 year old, I still take other people’s comments to heart, probably more than I should but even though I have nothing to feel guilty for, Kory was the one being unreasonable and I was the one trying to deal with it the best way that I could I still spent the rest of the night feeling like a rubbish mum. And that’s when it dawned on me that this is how mothers are sometimes made to feel simply by other people’s ignorance and words and I don’t think any parent should be made to feel how I was made to feel yesterday and a million times before that.

Because let’s be honest, the judgement starts way before your child is even here. I’m currently expecting baby number 2 and I’ve already been judged for ‘doing too much’ or ‘doing too little.’

So I thought I’d write this blog post as a message to myself and to other mums and dads because I’m fed up of people passing judgement. I am the one who looks after my child every single day, I am the one who gets up with him in the night and gets up with him first thing in the morning. I’m the one that dresses him, cleans him, feeds him, plays with him, looks after him when he’s sick, learns him new things and teaches him right from wrong and I may not always get it right, I make mistakes too, Kory is no angel but i’m damn well proud of him. When he’s not smacking and snatching toys (because that’s what 2 year olds do sometimes!) he’s kind and caring, very loving and thoughtful, he’s so bright and clever and he makes me smile every single day. No one other than me looks after Kory, no one sees this other side to him, no one knows just how much of a good boy he actually is so it is so easy for others to make assumptions and to judge both me and him when they haven’t a clue because they don’t have to do what I do and they’ve probably forgot what it’s like having a 2 year old. It must be so easy for them to judge after they’ve had a full nights sleep and an uninterrupted meal or bathroom trip and assume they could do a better job than I can. So to those people I say that maybe they should take a walk in my shoes for a day and see just how easy parenting is then.

And do you know what else? I’m proud of myself too because all that Kory is, is because of my parenting. So even when he’s acting up, I’m proud of myself for how I handle it. I don’t need to raise a hand to my child to get him to listen, I don’t even need to raise my voice sometimes. Kory knows when he’s done something wrong and he will say sorry when he’s calmed down. At the end of the day he is 2 years old! He’s got a lot of learning to do and he’s gonna get it wrong sometimes just like you and I. So don’t compare me to other parents and what they might do, how they raise their child is up to them, that’s their parenting journey and no parent is better than anyone else. We all know just how hard parenting can be.

So just like how you might not agree with how my son behaves, I don’t agree with your comments. I don’t think it’s fair to say to a mum that they should act more like such a person because they are strict where as you give in.

WRONG. I don’t give in, when I say no I stand my ground and I mean no and Kory knows that. I would say that I am more laid back in some aspects like when it comes to Kory getting muddy, running around the garden with no pants on, eating treats and screen time but that’s because I feel like there are bigger things to worry about than my child having some chocolate and I honestly don’t think those things that I allow are gonna harm him in the long run. I’m letting him be a kid! I’d rather save my energy for the bigger issues, like the smacking and the being cheeky which I address every time.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, that is absolutely fine but before you voice your opinion maybe you should ask yourself:

‘Is what I’m going to say helpful?’

‘Is this my child?’

‘ Has my opinion been asked for?’

If the answer is no then you should probably just shut up.

Some children have conditions, mental or physical conditions and perhaps this affects their behaviour. Or in most cases (like my own) they’re simply being a child. Maybe they’re hungry, tired or they just feel like having a tantrum. Sometimes parents make choices for reasons that you as an outsider don’t have to understand.

So to fellow mums and dads that have been judged themselves, I just want you to know that we’re all doing the best we can and we’re still all gonna make mistakes and that other people passing judgement NEVER HELPS so you should do what i’m gonna start doing and f%ck what other people think.

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Nesting

If you haven’t heard of this term already, ‘nesting’ during pregnancy is when you have the overwhelming desire to clean and organise your home to get it ready for your new baby. Is it possible that at 30 weeks pregnant I could be nesting already?!

Actually knowing me it probably is! It’s no secret that my babies have been known to make early appearances…

I know that I have been told to take it easy by everyone but I literally haven’t stopped cleaning the house. I just can’t help it! I’m actually aching from how much cleaning I’ve been doing; I’ve sorted through all the cupboards in the kitchen, I’ve decluttered every room in the house and I’ve cleaned high and low. I lay awake at night thinking about how I’m going to decorate the house for goodness sake! I feel like I’m going crazy but something is telling me that I will feel more content once it is all done.

So I guess you could say that I am nesting.

With Kory being our first baby it came as a total shock to us when he was born 6 weeks earlier than expected and we wasn’t prepared for his arrival at all. Our family was so helpful when it came to helping us get everything ready for him but at the same time it was stressful feeling so out of control and an already upsetting situation to be in was made more difficult by the added worry of trying to get everything completed before it was time for Kory to come home. Because of this it’s really important to me that our home is ready this time round so that there’s nothing that needs to be done once baby K is here, so that the adjustment to becoming a big brother for Kory can be made as smooth as possible and so that we can just enjoy our new family life as a family of four without having to worry about anything else.

Also I’ve got an obsession with bubbles at the minute. Yes bubbles. I had the same obsession towards the end of my pregnancy with Kory as well. I can’t explain it, all I know is that I want to squeeze warm, soapy bubbles in my hands.

I think it’s safe to say that I am either nesting or that I have gone crazy.

Was you/are you in full blown nesting mode? Let me know!

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Yesterday

What started off as a pretty crappy day yesterday actually turned out to be a really lovely day.

Yesterday morning Kory had already had about 100 meltdowns before 9:00am. He’d been playing at my mums house the night before and so had a bit of a later than usual bedtime that night and despite this still got up at the crack of dawn the next morning. (That’s why you have a bedtime, kiddo!) So I already knew what I was going to be in for… Kory, like me, is such a grouch when he’s not had enough sleep.

I was dreading being stuck at home with him all day why he climbed the walls to say the least so when my Nan rang and asked did me and Kory want to go to Cleveleys for the day with her and my grandad I eagerly said yes!! And to my surprise once we were there Kory was actually really well behaved too despite still being tired.

In Cleveleys the weather was nice and sunny, we had a walk around and a look in the shops, Kory played in the arcade and we stopped off at a café at dinner time for some fish and chips and a slice of cake! My mum and Nan spoilt Kory AGAIN as per usual because apparently that’s what nans do which obviously Kory was completely fine with and I even treated myself to some new tops for summer.

So I’d say we had a pretty good day. I was glad we got out of the house.

Isn’t it nice when your day totally changes around? So that was our Saturday, did you get up to anything nice yesterday?

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And just like that, I’ve turned 25 years old

Yesterday was my birthday. And just like that, I’ve turned 25 years old.

I don’t know where the time has gone. I feel like since becoming a mum birthdays come around a lot quicker. I see that Kory is growing up so fast but without realising it, that means so am I. Another year has gone by, I’m a year older which means Kory is also going to be another year older soon and it’s actually quite scary.

I wish time would slow down!

I became a mum at 22 years old and I feel like in that time, I’ve changed as a person, I’m not the same person that I was then. Becoming a parent does change you massively, I can’t even tell you how much. Being a parent has made me grow, i’ve matured in many ways. I don’t look at the world around me the same, I see things differently. I see everything through the eyes of a mum if you will. But at the same time I feel like for a 25 year old, I haven’t accomplished a great deal in my life. I haven’t done anything with my education, I don’t have a career, or money, my own house or a lot to show for myself but I do have an amazing partner, a beautiful little boy, a baby girl on the way and a lovely home, all that I am so grateful for. That is more than enough for me but birthdays just seem to remind me of what I haven’t yet accomplished in life and I think I end up giving myself a hard time.

Yesterday I didn’t really feel like celebrating much. Birthdays for some people are a time to be happy and to celebrate but without sounding selfish, I didn’t feel much like celebrating. With each birthday that passes and each year that I get older, it just makes me sad.

This blog post is sounding a lot more depressing than I meant for it to! LOL

I know that being 25 years old isn’t old but I didn’t want to celebrate being yet another year older. I didn’t want a party with big balloons and a cake, in fact I just wanted the day to be over with but at the same time, I was gutted when my partner couldn’t get the day off work, the house was a mess and Kory was choosing to act up which meant my birthday just felt like any other day of the week and it left me feeling a bit deflated. So I can’t win!

Once my partner came home from work, I did start to feel a little better then. And after looking at all of my birthday cards on the fireplace and the gifts I’d received, I did realise that I am more fortunate than I realise and that I’m probably just being a bit silly. I got lots of beautiful cards from family and friends, lots of people online and in person wished me happy birthday, I got bought some beautiful gifts and I even got some money too. I feel very lucky.

So that was my 25th birthday! I may not have gone anywhere or done anything in particular but nevertheless I am now another year older whether I want to be or not. I am no wiser but I am trying to be a more positive person. I’m not worrying about my next birthday and what I have yet to do with my life, instead I’m just gonna enjoy my life for what it is now and be happy with my family.

Thanks for reading.

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Why we co-sleep

Co-sleeping is definitely not for everybody. But we do and I want to share with you why.

When Kory was a small baby it wasn’t for us either, I was far too frightened to share my bed with him after hearing so much about SIDS. It was only as he got older that he started to co-sleep with us and we have no problem with it. Kory climbs into our bed with us in the middle of the night and sleeps much better knowing that we are right next to him and I sleep better knowing that he is okay.

My main reason for choosing to talk about our own co-sleeping arrangements is because often co-sleeping is frowned upon or more so, ‘shamed’ and I want to let other parents know that whether they choose to co-sleep or whether it just happens to happen to them (like it does with us!) that they are not crazy for sharing a bed with their child and to try and normalise it.

Often people who co-sleep get asked questions such as:

How are you able to sleep well with your child wriggling next to you?

This may come as a surprise but I actually sleep better when Kory is next to me. He sleeps through the night and has done from being 12 weeks old but if he did wake for a drink or from a bad dream which happens more than you think then I’m already right there next to him, neither of us have to fully wake up and I don’t have to get up out of bed to go into his room.

Don’t you worry about rolling over?

As I said earlier, when Kory was a small baby we never co-slept with him, in fact I was actually quite adamant that I didn’t want to and insisted on him sleeping in his own moses basket/cot due to fear of sharing a bed with him and rolling over onto him. It’s only been as he’s got older than he climbs into bed with us and rather than having to get up and put him back into his own bed, we let him stay. we don’t worry about rolling over onto him, it may sound strange but even when I’m asleep I’m still conscious and aware of what’s going on around me. Since becoming a mum I am such a light sleeper. Lots of people are against co-sleeping with children for safety reasons but what could be safer than having your child that close to you?

Who sleeps next to who?

I sleep next to my partner and when Kory climbs into bed with us in the middle of the night he sleeps between us both and although Kory is a real starfish sleeper, I love to cuddle him.

Doesn’t he fall out of bed?

Well he can’t fall out of our bed as he sleeps in the middle between me and my partner and before joining us he doesn’t fall out of his own single bed when he sleeps by himself either.

What is your bedtime routine?

Kory is allowed to go on his iPad up until tea time, after we’ve had our tea I don’t allow him to go on his iPad because it keeps him awake. We usually have tea around 4:30pm-5:00pm, then it’s play time, bath, pyjamas and bed for 7:00pm. I read Kory a bedtime story and he’s asleep for 7:30pm.

Are there any cons to co-sleeping?

Yes, I’m not gonna lie co-sleeping has its pros and its cons. One con would be that if me and Rory are cuddling in our sleep it can get interrupted but I also get a different type of intimacy from co-sleeping with Kory, when I sleep next to him I feel close to him and knowing that allowing him to share our bed is comforting to him feels good. So it’s sort of a trade but we know that it isn’t going to last forever. Kids aren’t small for long and it just means we have to work a little harder to make sure our relationship doesn’t suffer – which it doesn’t.

How long will your child want to co-sleep for?

Usually until they are ready to sleep through the entire night by themselves. Kory has a lovely bedroom that he loves spending time in and he goes to bed no problem but he must just wake in night and want to be near us. I’m not worried at all that I’m going to end up sharing my bed with my partner and our son when he’s 15. That’s not gonna happen LOL.

What do you think about co-sleeping? Would you co-sleep? Do you co-sleep? Let me know!