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Making a change

If you read yesterday’s blog post, you’ll know that i’ve been feeling a bit low lately and i’m sure that many people who read what I wrote thought:

What problems do you have?

What have you got to complain about?

And they’d be right to think that because my problems are a lot less significant when I think about what problems other people are facing. I know that and there will always be someone who has it worse than you. I hate feeling down and stuck in a rut (who doesn’t?!) I don’t choose to feel this way and I’m not usually one for feeling sorry for myself, in fact I’m usually the person who everyone comes to with their problems but I’m only human myself and I just think things had got a bit much for me.

Since then I’ve had some time to think about things and I’ve realised that although I can’t necessarily help how I think and feel, if I want to change my mindset and how I feel then I’m going to have to actually do something about it. Sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself has never helped anyone. Life has a habit of trying to bring you down and it can keep you down too – if you let it.

I read a quote that said ‘Remember when you used to wish for everything that you now have’ and it really resonated with me. I used to dream of having a family of my own, a son, a daughter, a partner, a car, a nice home and to be happy and I have all of that. I am so lucky and I realise that but when you feel like I do, you could have everything in the world and you would still feel sad and that made me feel so guilty because what a waste. I have everything I could ever possibly want and I’m not going to enjoy it because I’m going to let my negative thoughts and feelings get in the way of that? I knew I needed to make a change.

I have already started to make changes. I read back to myself my blog post from yesterday and it was clear for me to see what the problem was/is. The problem lies with how I think.

So here is what I think I need to do to help with how I’ve been feeling:

  • I need to train my brain to think differently.
  • I need to remind myself that small inconveniences don’t have to be such a big deal.
  • And I need to think more positively.

Yes the knob on my oven has snapped clean off but at least the rest of the oven still works and the knob can be replaced.

Yes the headlight and side panel on my car are broken but at least I have a car that runs and these things can be repaired.

My phone screen has smashed but my phone still works and I can always get a new screen.

I feel lonely because people don’t spend much time with me and/or my kids? Then that’s their loss. I have my kids and they have me.

I am not a person who sits around and feels sorry for themselves, that’s just not who I am, it never has been and I’m actually quite embarrassed by how low I’ve let myself get. I thought about quitting but then I remembered who is watching… My kids.

So watch this space because I’m about to find Kirsti again…

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Goodbye 2019

With only 6 hours left of 2019, I thought I would try to write this post before we enter the new year.

Firstly, I would like to recap on the year. And what a year it has been… Kora was born and completed our family, Kory became a big brother, I learned some things about myself and I honestly feel like I’m in a better place now than I was when the year started.

2019 has been a better year than I could have ever imagined!

Last year I set myself some goals for the new year, as I do every year. And these were:

  • Read read read. I used to always read, I used to always have my head in a book but it’s been so long since I started a book and actually finished it. It’s not because of lack of interest – I love books, it’s having the spare time to read that’s an issue! But I’ve made a promise to myself that I’m going to make more time for reading, even if it’s just a couple of pages at night and in doing so, hopefully fall back in love with reading all over again.

  • Blog more. I’m really enjoying blogging at the moment and eventually I would like my blog to go somewhere so this year I’m going to blog as much as I can and take blogging more seriously.

  • Stay positive. I like to think I’m a pretty positive person anyway but sometimes I let things get me down and I can get quite stressed. But life’s too short for that and I just want to be happy

So how did I do? I honestly think I could have done better. I did attempt to read more but I didn’t read as many books as I’d have liked to but with two kids to look after, I don’t get a great deal of time for myself.

I did try to blog more and for a while I was doing well with that but then I started to let it slip again and I also neglected my social media too. I still am neglecting my social media if I’m being completely honest. I don’t know what it is I just don’t feel in any rush to get back into that just yet and besides, I think a social media break can do us all some good from time to time.

I actually think I did quite well with the staying positive one. I’m quite positive anyway but I am known for letting things bother me quite easily so that was something I wanted to work on for myself and I think I managed to do that. I let things go over my head a bit more and I feel better for doing so.

So with the year coming to an end, I think it’s a good time for me to set myself some more goals. If there’s ever something you want to achieve or work on there is no better time than right now to make a start but I just think there’s something about a new year with new beginnings and new possibilities that makes it a great time to focus on what you want for the future.

So here goes…

  • Make something of my blog. Yes – no more excuses, this year I am going to take my blog seriously, knuckle down and seriously put in the work. Blogging started off as a hobby for me, it’s still a great way for me to talk about my feelings and share my experiences with you all but blogging has also given me a lot of opportunities and I’m interested to see where else I can take that.
  • Spend more time together as a family. We do spend a lot of time together as a family but a lot of it is spent just at home. Since having Kora I’ve found it difficult trying to get out of the house, I am getting better at it but it has taken me a while so my goal for the new year is to take the kids to more places, do more things and make more memories together.

And that’s it. Not much really, nothing big and extraordinary but small goals that I’d like to achieve. I’m not going to say I want to read more because I feel like I say that every year so this year I’m not going to and I’m just going to see what happens.

I hope you all have a lovely New Years Eve whatever your plans may be. Every year on New Years we do the same thing, it’s sort of a New Year’s Eve tradition for us if you will.

So, goodbye 2019. See you all in 2020!

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My hands may be full but my heart is fuller

This little one doesn’t want me to put her down today but at least it’s Saturday and we don’t have to rush out of the house to be anywhere, it’s okay that there’s still pots to be washed and it’s perfectly acceptable that Kory is still wearing the same pyjamas he went to bed in the night before.

Because I realised something today.

I realised the house work can wait.

Everything can wait.

I’ve always liked to keep a nice, clean and tidy house. In fact, I like to keep everything in my life neat and organised. I’m known for being quite a particular person.

When I was pregnant with Kory, people would always tell me ‘you’ll have to get used to mess once the baby arrives’ but that wasn’t the case for me. Without sounding like I’m blowing my own trumpet, after Kory was born I somehow still managed to stay on the ball with everything. I still managed to keep on top of the house work and keep my home looking nice. There’s been times when I’ve found it difficult to do so don’t get me wrong, like when Kory dropped his naps during the day and started to sleep only at bedtime but I still caught up and got done what I needed to get done. Even if it meant waiting until he had gone to bed before I could make a start on the house work.

But since having Kora as well as Kory to look after, I’ve found it really hard to find the time for house work or the time to do anything in fact! I have every intention of getting through my to do list for the day but I’m busy looking after both kids and running a house that I feel as though I blink and the day is over with before I even know it and once they’ve both finally gone to bed I’m way too tired to be cleaning the house.

But you know what? It can all wait.

I don’t want to lose my patience with Kory because there are dishes in the sink or because I haven’t managed to hoover yet. I don’t want to put Kora down as soon as she’s been fed, changed and fallen asleep. I want to cuddle her.

It was much easier to keep up with the house work when it was just Kory I had to take care of because he goes to nursery 3 days a week and when he’s home he likes to play in his bedroom which means I had a lot more free time to get stuff done. I think one of the things I have found the hardest since becoming a mum of two is accepting that I may not be able to get as much done as I used to be able to and to not punish myself for that.

What could be more important than playing with your child and cuddling your baby? Nothing. Because even when I think I’m doing ‘nothing,’ playing and cuddling is doing something and it’s a lot more important than those pots that need washing.

Kory is now 3 years old and the time I have had with him has already gone by so fast and I want to treasure my time with both of my children. He isn’t going to be my little boy forever and Kora isn’t always going to be this small. One day when they’re both grown up and they don’t want to play with mummy anymore, I’ll feel sad and I’ll have all the time in the world to tidy the house.

When Kory and Kora look back on their childhoods, I don’t want them to remember a mum that never had the time for them, a mum that would always brush them off because she prided herself more on what her house looked like. I want them to remember a mum that made them laugh and smile and actually spent time with them.

I want them to remember all the mess we made and all the fun we had making it together.

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Catching up

I know it’s been a while since I last posted anything and I am sorry about this. A lot has happened since I was last here so I thought I’d better give you all an update.

First things first, baby K was born! Our beautiful daughter made her entrance on her due date after months of worry and us anticipating her arrival after quite a few scares and being told I was ‘high risk’ throughout the pregnancy and was most likely going to have another prem baby. Despite this she proved us all wrong, including me who was also expecting her to join us sooner and she was born at exactly 40 weeks on the 13th of September weighing 6lb 3oz at 5:47pm after a very quick delivery. There will be a blog post solely sharing her birth story with you all very soon (I promise!)

We named her Kora Robyn Lonsdale.

So I’m guessing some of you may be wondering where I’ve been but the truth is I haven’t been anywhere, in fact I haven’t even been through the door!

1. Because it takes forever to get two kids out of the house!

2. I actually feel a little overwhelmed when I think about taking them out.

Since having Kora, i’m finding life with two kids a little crazy to say the least and I’m still trying to find my feet as a new mum of 2. Everyone told me when I was pregnant with Kora that it would be hard at first juggling two kids and I sort of just agreed but it really is. It’s a lot harder than I ever imagined. Kory is a wonderful big brother and Kora is a dream, she’s honestly such a good baby but usually when I’m feeding Kora, Kory will want me for something or when i’m playing with Kory, Kora will wake and I just feel like I don’t have enough hands! I literally feel like I need to split myself in two sometimes. For 3 years Kory has had me all to himself and we have spent so much time together just the two of us that I think we’re both finding it difficult now that all that has changed and with this comes a great deal of guilt on my part and I often feel quite overwhelmed by this. Obviously things have changed for the better, giving Kory a little sister and seeing him with her is the best feeling ever but it’s still been a massive adjustment.

I’m sure I will get into the swing of things soon and establish some sort of routine in time but for now, i’m just winging this whole thing and hoping for the best…

I hope I can get back to blogging more regularly too, blogging for me has been a great way for me to talk about how i’m feeling and for me to share with you all what I’m going through at that particular time in my life. I think it’s safe to say that since having my baby my emotions have been all over the place as I’m sure many of you will have experienced yourselves after having children. I mean just the other day I cried because my bump had gone and I was no longer pregnant! What was I expecting to happen?! It’s silly I know but it still makes me a little sad when I think about it. So not only would I like to get back to blogging again because it’s something I enjoy doing but because I think it would really help me right now.

So that’s you all caught up with what’s been going on in my life! I have lots of different posts that I have planned to write and share with you all so don’t go anywhere, please stick around and bare with me. I’m new to this parenting two children malarkey!

Thanks for reading and I promise that I won’t leave it as long next time.